The Law of Conservation of Happiness

You know what sucks about being alive? Lots of things. Like having to bathe yourself every day. Or being sentient enough to know that Dane Cook exists and is rich. Or the constant underlying loneliness and crippling death anxiety that informs nearly every human endeavor. But the one thing that really gets me about being alive is this: you never get to hear all of the really good things that people say about you.

Now, don't get me wrong, people do occasionally say good things about you while you're alive. Why, just three weeks ago, someone at work told me they liked my shirt. Also, for the entire day yesterday, nobody accused me of being a homosexual. But these everyday niceties are not what I'm driving at here. I'm talking about how you never get to hear the really really good stuff. The sentimental, sappy stuff. The real shit. The juice. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about the things people say about you during the week after you die.

I'm not sure if you guys are aware of this, but people say some totally amazing stuff about you when you're dead. Especially when you're freshly dead. Don't believe me? Before this year's NFL season, Gene Upshaw died. Upshaw was the president of the NFL player's association and was a polarizing figure for most of his tenure because of many controversial decisions he made. Below are two quotes about Gene Upshaw. One was said before Upshaw died, and one after:

Pre death:
"Nobody is less deserving of his position because he has no comprehension of what it means to give back to the game. He's a fraud." -- Mike Ditka
Chicago Tribune (via Steroid Nation)

Day after death:
"Nobody had more respect for Gene than I did . . . He was a great football player. And he was a great man to do what he did [for the NFLPA]." -- also Mike Ditka
Chicago Tribune

Now, as most people know, Mike Ditka is completely full of shit, but if you're smart, you should befriend as many people who are as completely full of shit as possible*, because those are the people who are going to be telling the best lies about you after you are dead. But I digress. Upshaw probably went half of his life thinking that Mike Ditka hated him. This was almost certainly true, but if Upshaw had been able to hear these comments, it probably would've made him feel great. Ditka knew this, and yet he deprived Upshaw this generosity. Why?

Glad you asked. I have a theory. The law of conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in any isolated system remains constant and cannot be created, although it may change forms. Happiness, dear reader, is exactly the same. There is only so much happiness to go around in this world. When someone is way up, you can bet that someone else is way down as a result of it and vice versa. It's the Law of Conservation of Happiness and it works every time.
Take the following example. Anytime a friend gets a promotion, you get secretly upset about it, but you're not sure why. Logically, you should be happy for him because he's your friend. But you're not. And that realization in turn makes you feel even worse about yourself. What is happening is that your happiness is decreasing by an amount equal to the total increase of the promotion-getter's happiness divided by the number of close friends he has. Your subconscious mind understands the Law of Conservation of Happiness** and accurately projects this decrease in happiness onto the root cause: the dude who got the promotion. Presto. Your heart has negative feelings toward this guy when your mind thinks that you probably shouldn't. Don't fight it. This guy's promotion is literally decreasing your happiness. Plus, he's probably a douche since we already know that he kissed enough ass to get a promotion. Climb that ladder, corporate slave. What a dick.

The Law of Conservation of Happiness applies everywhere. There are more New York Yankees fans than there are of any other baseball team. There are also more New York Yankees haters than there are haters of any other baseball team. Not a coincidence. When the Yankees win, a large number of people become very happy. Conversely, a separate group of people must become unhappy. Over time, the second group becomes conditioned to dislike the Yankees as they continually suceed, eventually turning that second group into Yankees haters. Oftentimes, the effect of the Law is localized. That is, the closer one person is to another, the more likely their happiness levels will be inversely proportinal. This is why all married people hate each other.

But back to the point. What does the Law of Conservation of Happiness have to do with alive people only giving the good compliments to dead people? Everything. When you give someone a compliment, it increases their happiness while simultaneously decreasing the happiness of another person. That's why it's called "paying" someone a compliment. It's literally like taking money out of your pocket and giving it to someone else. Sure, you can give people a dollar here and there without it taking much of an effect on your bank account just like you can pay a small compliment here and there without it taking much of an effect on the balance of happiness. But the fact of the

matter is that your subconscious will not allow you to risk giving a really really great compliment to a person that will be alive to enjoy it because it knows that the resulting inverse loss in happiness could be catastrophic. As an added bonus, when giving a compliment to a dead person at a funeral, the happiness spike that previously would've been enjoyed solely by the compliment receiver can be diffused throughout mourners at the funeral to improve the mood of each one slightly.

So, next time you think about giving someone a compliment, pause for a second and think about how it will affect me. I don't swim in your toilet, so don't piss in my pool.

* * *

*To answer your question, yes, I am available for additional friendships.

**This is an important point. Your subconsious is acutely aware of the Law of Conservation of Happiness and will direct your conscious self to take actions that will subvert its effects.