It's been quite some time since I've updated my blog, so I just wanted everyone to know what I was up to! Turns out, I've been growing a beard, and boy has it been great!
Now, before you get all excited and start to grow a beard of your own, I must warn you, growing a beard takes a lot of responsibility. Like raising a child, you have to wash it, make sure it doesn't get out of line, and shave the edges every once in a while to remove unsightly excess hair. Don't worry though, you won't have to change it! Beards do not poop.*
But if you think you are up to the challenge of beard-growing and eventual beard-ownership, then it's time to take the first step: stop shaving. While you're waiting for all of that hair to come in, why not take some time to learn a little more about your new friend growing out of the bottom of your face! For example, I recently learned that the word "beard" comes from the root word "bear" which, according to the Internet, is defined as "a husky, large homosexual man with a beard." Don't worry though, a beard won't turn you gay! It's harmless. Unless of course it's made out of BEES!
"Bee" prepared, this "bee"-ard is made out of "bees"!
The first thing you need to do after growing your beard is to purchase a beard and/or moustache comb. You must have one of these as it is hugely important to make sure that all of the hairs on your face are pointing in the exact same direction.** A beard comb can be purchased at Wal-Mart for under a dollar or exchanged for 200 tickets*** at Chuck E. Cheese's. I bought mine at Wal-Mart because I used all of my tickets on one of those sticky guys that climb down the wall.
Minutes of fun!
Once your beard is properly groomed, prepare to get noticed! People will start acting differently towards you because a beard can say a lot about the fella underneath it. When you're walking down the street people will think, "Now there goes a guy with hair on his face!"
Yessir, a beard tells the world that you're an individual. A true maverick! Like Sarah Palin if she had a beard. Make sure to still shave your neck though. If you don't, people will think you're a hipster.
Not to sound full of myself, but I have also noticed that many women (or "fe"males) are quite fond of a be-bearded man. Why, just the other day I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a while. She said, "Hey, you've got a beard!" I didn't get her number, but I'm pretty sure I know what she was thinking!
Now a lot of people think that guys who have beards have something to hide. Me? I've got nothing to hide but my chin! And also the knives I keep in my beard.
Besides its obvious cosmetic advantages, beards have many uses that are not initially apparent. Should you lose the hair on top of your head, a beard can serve as a hair farm (or, "fhairm") for hair replacement surgery. Additionally, while growing out your pubic hair can repel unwanted female advances, the same is true if you severely grow out your beard! Yes, it's true, there really is a beard for all seasons!
In conclusion, growing a beard is one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had! Like the old saying goes: a beard is like a window to your soul. Apparently, my soul has a beard! Just. Like. Me.
Happy Bearding!,
Corey J.
* * *
* Except of course for the rare Peruvian pooping beard, which is only found in Peru and some parts of Mississippi.
** Towards Mecca.
***Approximate $30.00 value
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