Signs that You May Not Be Living in the Nicest Apartment Complex

I like my apartment. Sure, it's not the biggest apartment in the world. It doesn't have a lot of amenities like a pool or a gate or walk-in closets or a working laundry room or a back porch or a icemaker in the freezer or a disposer or a shower that doesn't get really cold whenever the people upstairs flush their toilet, but I still love it. The location is good. Plus, I've got two great roommates.

Recently, the people who manage our apartments put some signs out on the road to try and drum up some new business. These signs describe the amenities that one can expect upon moving into our complex. Here they are, in no particular order:

Temperature wise, you will be at least as comfortable as you are in any standard automobile!

Your floors are guaranteed to have some sort of covering. No dirt or concrete floors here!

Wall switch or chain operated! You choose!

We have a parking lot!

Of course, "off -street" is relative.

Since I'm a big team player, I was thinking that maybe I could help the apartments out by posting some signs of my own that will describe how wonderful it is to live here. Here's what I've come up with so far:

• On-site dumpster!
• Daily mail deliveries!
• Bathrooms include up to one toilet!
• Now wasp-free! (mostly)
• Electrical Outlets!
• Within walking distance to Mr. C's!
• Historic 19th century plumbing!
• Full mail center with lockable mail boxes!
• Pinestraw!
• Mentioned in Rand McNally's best-selling 1969 publication, Map of Atlanta!
• Racially Diverse!
• Blinds!
• Cable TV ready!
• Pizza-deliverable!

If you think of more, let me know. We can use all the help we can get.