If You Are Mad at Kanye West, Then You Are Dumber Than Him, Which Is Saying A Lot, Because He's Pretty Fucking Dumb

I wasn't going to write about this. It was not my intention. I was going to briefly cover it on Twitter and that would be it. In the interest of full disclosure, I did not even watch the VMAs. I was watching the first Sunday Night Football matchup of the season featuring Green Bay and Chicago because I had bet money on the outcome of the game. I won. And then I went to sleep.

But Swiftgate '09 will not be denied. I have had multiple people respond to my Twitter posts and multiple people ask me to weigh in on the situation in this space, and since I am nothing if not wholly dedicated to you, dear reader, here we are. I will make my opinion known and am happy to do it. If you are tired of hearing about this situation, then please leave now. I totally understand. If you would like to hear one more armchair pundit contribute to the decline of our shared culture by continuing to comment on this, then let's get started after the jump!

Here is what Kelly Clarkson posted to her blog in the wake of Kanye West's brutal and unforgivable attacks Monday night. I am reproducing it in its entirety:

Dear Kanye,

What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough?? Something must have happened to make you this way and I think we’re all just curious as to what would make a grown man go on national television and make a talented artist, let alone teenager, feel like shit. I mean, I’ve seen you do some pretty shitty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways. It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you. I like everyone. I even like my asshole ex that cheated on me over you…which is pretty odd since I don’t even personally know you. The best part of this evening is that you weren’t even up for THIS award and yet you still have a problem with the outcome. Is winning a moon man that much of a life goal?? You can have mine if it will shut you up. Is it that important, really??

I was actually nominated in the same category that Taylor won and I was excited for her…so why can’t you be?? I’m not even mad at you for being an asshole…I just pity you because you’re a sad human being.

On a side note, Beyonce has always been a class act and proved again tonight that she still is. Go TEXAS!!

Taylor Swift, you outsell him ….that’s why he’s bitter. You know I love your work! Keep it up girl!

Here is what P!nk wrote on her Twitter:

"Kanye West is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me." (Take that, Ahmadinejad)

Here is what the lead singer of Linkin Park had to say:

"Kanye West has officially earned the title of King Douchebag! Way to go dickhead! To think I thought he was kinda cool. LAME ...." (In other news, Linkin Park still exists!)

And finally, the venerable Ricky Martin weighed in:

"kanye what an asshole dude." "@taylorswift13 has sold more than 10 million cds in the last two years you deserve the award 10 million fans cant be wrong. enjoy ur night!" (If only they gave awards for butchering the English language through Twitter. Why do you think he decided to throw us a period after "wrong"?)

More celebrity reaction here.

Suffice it to say that the celebrity Twitterati was pretty pissed. In the interest of completion, here is what your lowly and ever gracious author put on his Twitter. I will be explaining this for the remainder of the post:

 "It is not logical to simultaneously believe the following two things: 1) Kanye did a terrible thing; 2) The VMAs do not really matter."

Basically, what I'm saying is that you have to choose one of the two camps. There can be no middle ground. If you believe that the VMAs are a complete farce designed to be one giant commercial drumming up interest for the artists whose managers made shady back room deals with Viacom executives in order to ensure that their artists win the awards and publicity that goes along with them, then you cannot be mad at Kanye. He is merely the biggest and angriest dancing bear at the circus. If the VMAs don't matter, then he did nothing wrong, because any action that any person takes at the VMAs could not possibly matter and you shouldn't be mad about things that do not matter.

If, on the other hand, you believe that the VMAs are important and that the winners are significant, then you have every right to be angry at Kanye because he ruined one of the most important moments in Taylor Swift's life and indeed one of the most important moments in the history of popular recorded music

But then again, if you do believe that the VMAs are important, then maybe you still shouldn't be angry. If the VMAs are important and legitimate, then Taylor Swift winning the Best Female Video award over "Single Ladies" is one of the most egregious tragedies in the history of not just awards shows, but the very idea of giving recognition to people or things that have excelled.

The video for "Single Ladies" is one of the most important and beloved music videos in the history of the medium. It's choreography is a truly classic Fosse update and will influence dance in immeasurable ways for as long as the art form still exists. The song alone was ranked #1 in 2008 by Rolling Stone, FUSE, and the Kids Choice Awards. The video was named the best of the year by BET. Flash mobs have performed the dance in public places throughout the world. Joe Jonas released a YouTube video of himself performing the dance. John Legend released a YouTube video of The President of the United States doing the dance. It has been parodied on commercials and Saturday Night Live. In an age when nobody watches music videos anymore, this video was absolutely huge.

I'll let Wikipedia describe the ridiculous melange of teenage wish-fulfillment, ugly duckling turning into a swan, band/football team dichotomy swill that makes up the horrible, horrible video for "You Belong With Me":

"Swift plays both the nerdy neighbor and the girlfriend (while wearing a brunette wig) of a high school football star (Lucas Till). The nerdy neighbor and Lucas have presumably grown up together communicating through their bedroom windows across from each other. They communicate through writing messages on note pads and showing the message through their windows to one another. At the very beginning Swift writes, "I love you." and attempts to show him, only to see that he has closed his curtains. Later they are sitting on a street bench talking when the boy's popular girlfriend pulls up in her car and kisses him. She then pushes him away, showing their unpleasant relationship. At a football game, the nerdy neighbor watches as her neighbor catches the game winning touchdown. He walks to his girlfriend, a cheerleader, only to catch her flirting with his teammate saying "You were awesome." Swift's nerdy character watches from her position in the team's band. The following night, the boy announces with note pads that he's heading to the school dance. Swift at first declines, but ultimately decides to go after seeing her neighbor's sad face. At the end of the video it shows a school dance where Swift's nerdy character has a Cinderella moment (and has put away her glasses). Her neighbor picks her over his girlfriend, Swift pulling out the "I love you" note from the start and her neighbor pulling out another "I Love You" note. They end the scene with a kiss between the two of them."

It would be cliche to call this tween rom-com trash pile of a video cliche.

So, if you have placed yourself in the camp that thinks the VMAs are significant, then how can you be mad at Kanye? He is your champion! He is speaking truth to power when nobody else has the courage to! It is patently absurd that Swift's video would beat out Beyonce's. If this is allowed to happen, then it totally delegitimizes your beloved award show. Kanye is on your side. Do not hate him. Embrace him.

But then again, if you think the VMAs are legitimate, you are either an idiot or did not watch the whole show. "Single Ladies" went on to win the award for video of the year. Therefore, MTV's position is that "Single Ladies" was the best video produced by a human in the past year, but not the best video produced by a female. The VMAs: where logic is thrown out the door and nothing is what it seems!

So there really is no logical reason to be mad at Kanye. If you think the VMAs are stupid and ridiculous, then don't be mad at Kanye because he just made them a little stupider and a little ridiculouser. If you think the VMAs are important and legitimate, then first of all you are a complete idiot, and second of all, you can't be mad at Kanye because he was fighting for the further legitimacy of the show in the only way he could.

Now, at this point, you may be saying to yourself, "Wait just a minute here. I think that the VMAs are silly, but I'm still mad! Kanye was rude to poor, defenseless, 17 year old Taylor Swift! That sweet, sweet girl! He ruined her moment!" First of all, please do not confuse the carefully tailored layers of bullshit that Swift's handlers have crafted to create her public persona with who she actually is. You do not know who Taylor Swift is because you do not know Taylor Swift. She may or may not be sweet and innocent, you are merely projecting that on her. For all you know, she left the VMAs, went to her hotel room, pounded a line of coke, and then spent the rest of the night as the centerpiece of a 30 person gang bang. This is unlikely, but certainly possible. She's 17. I'd do anything when I was 17 if one other person thought it was a good idea. Also, she's not just 17, she's famous person 17, which is like 24 in human years. She can handle herself; she'll be all right. Kanye did not personally attack her in any way. He was personally rude to her by interrupting her, I'll give you that, but that should be forgivable. He did ruin her moment, but when Taylor Swift is on her deathbed, something tells me that she will not look back on her first VMA acceptance speech for an award that she so clearly and undeniably did not deserve as one of the most important moments of her life. Call it a hunch.

So please, do not feel bad for Taylor Swift. This is the best possible thing that could've happened to her last night. In fact, I'm not sure that the whole thing wasn't engineered by Jay Leno. He was the biggest winner in all of this. Not that there were any losers. Beyonce has now been elevated to sainthood because one of her handlers told her that it would be a good idea to invite Swift up to the stage later in the show. MTV has an excuse to continue airing the VMAs for another few years. Even Kanye should be the better for it. Any publicity is good publicity.

So give Kanye a break, please. What he did just wasn't that bad. Show-stealing, "unplanned," "controversial," outbursts by musiciancs are woven into the fabric of the VMAs.* That's why you watch the show. Kindly unbunch your panties, Kelly Clarkson. Save your trademark punk-girl vitriol for your next barely tolerable single, Pink. Save your vocal chords, Chester Benningfield, you'll have a lot of screaming to do on the next Projekt Revolution shit parade. Ricky Martin, you do you. You're OK in my book.

The only question that remains is what to make of Kanye himself. After the members of Radiohead, he is (in my opinion) the best and most important musician alive today.Yet, he seems to possess almost no emotional intelligence, sense of propriety, or common sense. With the exception of Kanye West, every single person in Radio City Music Hall last Sunday night knew that Beyonce would win video of the year and that Taylor Swift was being given the female video award to generate revenue for her record label, Big Machine Records.** Why on Earth he would take offense to such an obvious sham is beyond me. I guess we just have to treat him like an idiot savant. He is incredibly good at producing music and embarassingly bad at everything else.

One thing that you can say about Kanye is that he is incredibly earnest. In an age when pop culture is populated by celebrity robots like Beyonce and Alex Rodriguez who offer nothing of themselves whatsoever, I find the unchecked emoting of Kanye West extremely refreshing. He is all the way out there, and it helps him remain vital as an artist. Don't be mad at Kanye. He is just a borderline mentally disordered person doing what feels right to him. For anyone who has ever screamed at a television during an awards show, Kanye is there for you. For anyone who has ever said that they would keep it real if they ever became rich and famous, Kanye is there for you. For anyone who cares about music in 2009, Kanye is there for you. Do not hate him. He is us and we are him. Or at least the small part of us that acts like a 2 year old when we don't get our way.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go realize my dream of being the 1 billionth person to write "nobody puts baby in the corner" on my Facebook status update. Until next time.

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*Andrew Dice Clay in 1989; Izzy Stradlin, Axl Rose, and Vince Neil in 1989; Bret Michaels and CC Deville in 1991; Nirvana in 1992; RuPaul and Milton Berle in 1993; Van Halen in 1996; Fiona Apple in 1997; Lil Kim in 1999; The Rage Against the Machine dude in 2000; Eminem in 2002; Fat Joe and 50 Cent in 2005; Some random dude named "Sixx" in 2006; Kid Rock and Tommy Lee in 2007; thanks to wikipedia for this list.

**Which later won the VMA for "Most Apt Record Label Name"