Fun With the Comcast Channel Guide: Creative Movie Descriptions

I watch an unbelievable amount of television. As such, I am constantly scrolling through the guide to find something decent to watch. As anyone who has Comcast knows, the descriptions of shows found in the guide are oftentimes some of the funniest things on TV! It is with this in mind that I bring you part two of YYII's venerated series: "Fun With the Comcast Channel Guide".

In our second installment, we take a look at descriptions of the On Demand free movies. Everything in quotations below is actual, unedited text from the movie descriptions that pop up when you press the info button. Everything in italics is my commentary. And away we go!

Back to the Future

"Rev up your flux capacitor and get behind the wheel of that DeLorean - join Marty McFly and Doc Brown as they travel back in time to save the future! Oscar winner for best sound."

I wasn't going to watch it until that last sentence, which reminded me that the sound in this movie is just so fucking good. I mean, God damn, that is some good sound. If there is one thing I remember about Back to the Future it is the fucking impeccable fucking sound. Fuck. The crackle of the falling manure when Biff crashes into the manure truck really makes you feel like you're actually sitting in a pile of horseshit. Same goes with the Biff/Lorraine attempted rape scene.

Back to the Future III

"Doc Brown's life is in danger, and the only way for Marty McFly to save him is to - you guessed it - take a time traveling adventure to the wild west of 1885! With Mary Steenburgen."

Again, the final sentence seals the deal for me. Come for the legendary sound editing, stay for a piping-hot plate of pure, uncut Steenburgen. I like mine with extra syrup.

Bikini Blitz

"A revealing expose of the world's most beautiful women gracing the sand of the world's most beautiful beaches. In this video, the women are the hottest thing under the sun."

Outside of this video, the hottest thing under the sun is the inside of a Hot Pocket immediately after the microwave beeps. See, writing Hot Pocket jokes is easy! In your face, Gaffigan!

Black Widow

"Debra Winger, Theresa Russell. A frumpy female agent goes undercover to stake out the sexy young woman whose mysterious past includes marrying older rich men who suddenly drop dead - will the sultry spider snare her next?"

Frumpy female agent? In your face, Debra Winger! Do you think one day she was just sitting at her house flipping around On Demand, trying to find something to watch when she came across her old movie, Black Widow, decided to read the description, and then burst into tears when she saw it? I mean, this is worse than her not getting nominated for Best Supporting Actress this year for her memorable turn in Rachel Getting Married! I like movies.

Blob (1958)

"Excuse me officer. I just saw a meteor crash to earth. And inside was this strange gooey substance that eats people. Yes, I'm serious. It eats people. Well, it absorbs them, anyway. No, I'm not kidding. It's getting bigger! Why won't anyone believe me?!"

Blob (1988)

"Remake of the 1958 classic. This time, the Steve McQueen role is played by Kevin Dillon (Johnny Drama from Entourage). The Blob role is again played by a gelatinous mass from outer space. Only this time, the special effects are not from the stone age."

Both hilarious. The description writer at Fearnet is really on top of his game. I bet Kevin Dillon saw this and was pissed that the writer assumed people wouldn't know who he was by name-recognition alone. In your face, Dillon!

The Descent

"Six very hot girls decide to go explore an old cave. And if that isn't reason enough to come along, get ready for a collapse that traps them underground where they're pursued by some of the ugliest creatures on earth."

Six hot girls? Underground? Pursued by some of the ugliest creatures on Earth? Sounds like MJQ on a Saturday night! ZING!

Gang Related

"Jim Belushi, Tupac Shakur. Two men face the consequences after they kill a man and pin the murder on an innocent transient."

This description isn't really funny, I just think it's hilarious that a buddy cop movie starring Jim Belushi and Tupac Shakur exists and got a 60% fresh rating from Rotten Tomatoes. Dennis Quaid and Kool Moe Dee round out an all-star cast.

Ghosts of Mars

"Another John Carpenter classic. In this one, it's the future. Cops are sent to a mining outpost on Mars to transport Ice Cube, a dangerous criminal, back to Earth. But remember, this is John Carpenter - and Ice Cube is the least of their worries."

I beg to differ. Never underestimate the Cube. That was Deebo's mistake.

Ghoulies 2

"The little nasties escape to an amusement park become (sic) the star attractions at a broken-down haunted house - until their appetities get the upper hand and they wreak havoc once again."

Of course, none of this will make sense to you if you haven't seen Ghoulies 1.

Last House on the Left

"You might guess what happens to teenage girls who wander into the city and hook up with drug dealers. They get ravaged, raped, and murdered. But you'll never guess what happens to the drug dealers when the girl's parents find out."

Invite them over to their house to look at their favorite LOLCatz? Go out for tapas while having a lively discussion of the sound editing merits of the Back to the Future trilogoy? No? They kill them? Oh, well, I think I could've guessed that.

Also, what's the difference between getting ravaged and raped? Seems redundant.

The Money Pit

"Now this is a housing crisis! It's a slapstick makeover when a young couple buys a dream home for a price too good to be true - and flip when it starts tumbling down!"

Too soon for housing crisis jokes, Comcast Channel Guide, too soon . . .

Penny Dreadful

"As a kid, Penny saw her parents die in a horrible car crash. Now Penny is terrified of automobiles. Her therapist thinks it'd be a good idea to return to the scene of the accident. Actually, as it turns out, not such a good idea."

Very true. As it turns out, the scene of the accident is now an Olive Garden and they were in the mood for Chinese.

Prince of Darkness

"Here's a good excuse not to clean out your basement: you might find an ancient canister filled with a strange green substance that turns out to be the essence of the devil's spawn, ready to let loose it's (sic) wrath on the world."

A reason in favor of cleaning your basement: the green substance may be Ninja-Turtles style ooze that turns your pets into totally awesome crime fighters! Merchandising ensues.

Problem Child

"At age 7, little Junior has been returned to the adoption agency multiple times - but has this rowdy human tornado finally found a home? From the directors of "You Don't Mess with the Zohan."

Sold!

Pumpkinhead

"When a gang of bikers run over a child, the child's father invokes the demon of pumpkinhead to seek his revenge, forgetting there's a price for his services."

That price? A plate of cornmuffins and a couple of blintzes. Sorry, obscure Simpsons reference. Let's move on.

Unrest

"Alison, a first year med student, faints after cutting into a dead body. She tells her professor she felt a strange presence. But it's just first-year jitters, right? So why is it that some of the other students are starting to be dead?"

Turns out, also first-year jitters.

Wicked Things

"A mom and her two daughters move to a small town in Pennslyvania. They didn't know that there used to be a mine on that land. Or that small children used to work in the mine. Or that, in 1913, dozens of those kids were buried alive. But they'll learn."

What will they learn? A handy mnemonic device for remembering the names of the first 42 U.S. Presidents! Will a jolly man make a just but harshly treated president? Taylor felt proud but Lincoln just grinned happily, gargling, and could hardly contain McKinley. Theodore takes Wilson's hand cool hoovering Franklin's true experiences. Ken, justly noted for candour, ruled but cooly. (See here)

Reincarnation

"Forty years ago, there were some vicious murders at a hotel. Now, a filmmaker returns to the scene hoping to recreate the bloodshed. But he won't need a script. This one is writing itself."

And so did this blog post! Bye!

I hope you've enjoyed this look at some humorous descriptions of free movies on On Demand. Please check back in the future for additional installments of Fun With the Comcast Channel Guide!

Madea is the New Ernest

Maaaadddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Maaaaaaadddddddddeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaa! This is God. Listen to me Madea, I have an important message for you. You must go to camp, Madea! No, no, do not ask why. It is your destiny, Madea. You must go to camp and reach out to a group of juvenile delinquents. You must make them love you, Madea! Why? Because you will need their help to stop the mining company from taking over the camp! You must save the camp, Madea! Chief St. Cloud needs you! He cannot do it alone!

Oh, and after that, please save Christmas. That is all. Love, God.

I like the quote on the bottom right of the Ernest Goes to Jail poster: "A Very Funny Movie." A shining example of movie criticism.

Digital Cameras and Triple Doubles

A friend of mine showed me this digital camera the other day that had some interesting software on it that I had never seen before. It can take a picture of someone that is frowning and literally turn their frown upside down to turn a sad picture into a happy picture. The result is sometimes effective:

Source: blog.steadymart.com

And sometimes creepy:

Source: Wall Street Journal

I wonder if this software can make a smily face out of an expression of disappointment and confusion? If so, I'd like to apply it to the female lead of a sex tape that I made back when I was a freshman in college. HA HA!

Actually it got me thinking about the reasons why we take pictures. One is to help us remember good times that we had in the past. But if I have a camera that makes frowning people look happy, then what kind of times am I really remembering? Were they actually happy times or were they sad times that I have altered by technology to seem happy? Will these altered photos have the effect of altering my minds' perception of these times or will I remember them as they actually ocurred?

This last question is particularly salient. Of course, our minds already accomplish in a figurative way what these digital cameras are designed to do in a literal way. Rarely do we remember events or periods in our lives exactly as they took place. Our minds often subconsciously alter our memories of things to make them seem bigger or smaller or happier or sadder. For example, I remember everybody thinking that I was cool when I was a senior in high school, but many people who were there will tell you that it was only the underclassmen who worked with me on the student newspaper that thought I was cool while most people my age thought I was just some nerd who worked on the newspaper.

But the real question is, what's more important: what actually happened or what we remember happening? And if we could go back and look at a picture or video record of what happened, should we go with that picture or video, or should we alter it to fit our memories or even to create new ones that feel better? My answer is that it's situational. You have to look at each unique situation and decide what's more important to you: the truth or the memory?

Last week, Lebron James turned in one of the all time great basketball performances ever recorded at Madison Square Garden. It was a particularly memorable performance because just two days earlier, Kobe Bryant had dropped 61 in a game at MSG (a tough week for the Knicks). In his game, Lebron had a triple-double with 52 points, 11 assists, and 10 rebounds. It was the first time in 30 years that an NBA player had gotten a triple double with over 50 points. It was justifiably celebrated in the sports media as a big accomplishment and another notch on Lebron's belt towards becoming one of the greatest players of all time.

A few days later, the NBA took a close look at the tape from the game and decided that one of Lebron's rebounds should have been credited to his teammate Ben Wallace instead of to him. His triple double was erased from the record books as he now had only 9 rebounds instead of 10.

Generally speaking, I am a person who is all for the search for truth, but like I said before, it can be situational. College and professional sports serve many functions in our society. One of which is to serve as a shared national collective memory that allows all sorts of different people to come together, find common ground, celebrate accomplishments, and commiserate on failures. All basketball fans watched the highlights and marveled at Lebron's incredible game in New York. I don't understand why the NBA felt the need to adjust James's stats and diminsh what he did. Splitting hairs over one rebound is silly, especially when far from every game is scrutinized as closely as this one was.

I guess I just don't see a whole lot of good coming out of the NBA taking a great moment and trying to make it less than great over one measly rebound. Especially considering that today a blogger at ESPN revealed that upon even further scrutiny of the game tape, there was another rebound that should have been credited to Lebron that wasn't. That's what happens when you try to go back in sports and switch around the record books. Everybody can make an argument in every different direction and nobody is left sure about anything. Same goes with steroids in baseball. Nobody knows who took them or when they took them or if they even helped the players who took them that much. The only good solution is to just forget about the whole thing and remember how thrilling that one summer was when McGuire and Sosa were both gunning for the home run record. Let everybody who took steroids into the Hall of Fame. They played the games, we all watched them, we all enjoyed them, and that's that. After all, it's just sports. It's not like we're talking about weapons of mass destruction here.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's OK for us to go on thinking that Lebron had his triple double; just like it's OK for me to go on thinking that I was cool in high school; just like it's OK for me to change your frown into a smile because I want to remember that night differently than how it actually was. If we're going to revise past events, and the events are as trivial as what happened during a basketball game or who was having a good time during a night out at the bars, let's remember the bad times as being good and the good times as being great. If we're going to alter the record, let's make it better, not worse! It's not hurting anyone.*

* * *

* Well, I guess it's hurting Ben Wallace, because he gets one less rebound. My solution would be to give them both the rebound. Lebron has a right to it because that's how it was initially recorded and Wallace has a right to it because upon further review, that's how it actually went down.